You know the sort of people I mean. When there's a traffic jam on the freeway, they're the ones who zoom up the breakdown lane in order to get ahead. At a subway stop, they're the ones who barge into the car before anybody has a chance to get out. I have a name for someone who exhibits this type of behaviour: I call him or her The Most Important Person In The Universe, because that's how he sees himself. (I'm going to alternate between masculine and feminine pronouns from now on, because "he or she" and "himself or herself" are too wordy.) Such people have serious entitlement issues.
The Most Important Person In The Universe shouldn't be forced to stand in line, and is willing to talk loudly on her cellphone, no matter where she happens to be. He always pushes his way out of elevators first, and won't thank you if you hold the door open for her. (After all, she is entitled to have someone open the door for him. Okay, maybe that's too much alternation between masculine and feminine.) In a restaurant, the MIPITU is willing to take five minutes to explain exactly how she wants her order delivered to her table - and, even then, is likely to send the food back at least once. And he won't tip generously, either.
Never get in an argument with a MIPITU. By definition, if you disagree with her, you're wrong. And if you argue with him, you're even more wrong, because you had the colossal nerve to disagree with him in the first place. The trick is to spot these people as soon as possible, so that you can avoid them. It's not always easy (unless they push past you on the subway).
While I'm in a grumpy mood (I'm on Day 10 of my cold), here's some other things that annoy me:
- Whistling. It's a high-pitched whining noise that is inevitably tuneless and repetitive. It's worse than fingernails on a chalkboard, and it's much worse than somebody blasting music out of a boom box: usually, music from a boom box has been recorded by professional musicians, even if it's professional musicians playing music you can't stand.
- A group of people walking slowly and taking up the entire width of the sidewalk. Somebody move, already. (I can't imagine what it must be like to be part of a large family that always travels together. Nothing can ever happen quickly, as everything has to be put to a 12-person vote before a decision can be reached.)
- Fake smiles. Look, I can tell whether you mean it: a real smile touches the eyes. A fake smile makes me seem like an annoying nuisance, best gotten rid of. I feel sorry for waiters who have to give people fake smiles as part of their job - I want to tell them that it's okay, you don't have to pretend to like me. Just be polite, and don't spit in my food, and everything's cool.
- Snobs. Okay, maybe you are better than me - why are you hanging around me then?
- November. It starts getting dark at 5:00. Everything is drab and gloomy, and we have nothing to look forward to but winter and lots of it. A lot of people hate February, and with good reason - it's usually pretty crappy. But, in February, spring is coming soon (it's only about two to three months away, instead of six).
- OCATW (Obligatory Conversations About The Weather) in elevators. There's not much I can say when somebody says "Hot out, isn't it?" other than "yup". Especially if it's morning, and I haven't been outside yet. I am only capable of a limited amount of polite conversation in any given day, and I'd prefer to reserve it for people I care about (or, I suppose, people I want to impress).
- George W. Bush and Stephen Harper. I'll save those for later.