Calendar Reform

So here we are in November: the month of the year that is ostracized by all the other months because it is too drab and ugly. Blaah. To commemorate the onset of the Months of Darkness, here are two non-standard ways of looking at the twelve months of the year. One was first suggested by author Kurt Vonnegut, Jr., and one is mine very own.

Here's Vonnegut's idea: there are six seasons in the year, not four. The six seasons are, in order: Winter, Unlocking, Spring, Summer, Fall, and Locking. Each of these seasons lasts two months.

The two winter months are January and February. They feature lots of snow, slush, cold, wind, ice, freezing rain, and all those other good things that build character. (Those of you who live in warm countries, where February is balmy and pleasant, take note: you're wusses. All of you. And anyone living in Vancouver who starts rhapsodizing about tulips in Stanley Park on Groundhog Day will be told to go play in the never-ending drizzle.)

Some people think of March and April as the start of spring. This is wrong. When do you get spring-like weather in April, let alone March? March and April are the two months of Unlocking, when nature is just starting to rev up again. It takes time to shake down all the bugs, which is why it can be sunny and warm one weekend and then snowing the next. Spring doesn't really take place until May and June. By then, the flowers are blooming, you can walk on the grass without sinking up to your ankles in mud, and you can sit outdoors without catching pneumonia. Good times.

Summer, of course, is obviously July and August, the months of humidex warnings, smog alerts, and gloomy Toronto Hydro spokespersons discussing the risk of potential brownouts due to overuse of air conditioners by spoiled city dwellers. And fall is equally obviously September and October: falling leaves, people stuffing themselves with turkey, and stores displaying their Halloween decorations for two full fricking months already.

By November, the leaves are mostly down and the stores have started bombarding shoppers with Christmas carols, but the snow hasn't started yet. Even by the end of December, there usually isn't much snow on the ground. For this reason, November and December aren't part of winter: they're the two months of Locking, when nature is gradually shutting everything down. (Toronto Life, in its December 2003 issue, discusses the chances of having a white Christmas in Toronto. There's a 57% probability of having some white stuff on the ground, and only a 13% chance of getting the classic Dickens-style Christmas.)

So that's one idea: think of the year as having six seasons, not four, and you won't be disappointed. Now for the other, more farfetched, idea: calendar reform.

Every March, we all start hoping that it will be spring, but it never is, and every November, we're braced for the start of winter, but it doesn't happen. So why not move everything two months back? Put January where March used to be, February where April once was, and so on. Here are the benefits:

• Spring in March, which is just when we want it.
• Snow in November and December, not January and February. A white Christmas is extremely likely, now that it's on what used to be February 25.
• The weather is still weird and crappy in January and February. I can live with that.
• The official summer months are now what used to be September and October. Okay, it'll likely be too cold to go swimming at the cottage. But, be honest - in the two hottest months of the year, it's too humid to do anything other than sit on a deck chair like an inert lump of lard. You can just as easily do that indoors. And your dermatologist will thank you, as you'll be inside during the time of the year when the UV rays are at their deadliest.
• September and October become drab and gloomy. Again, no big deal.

Of course, global warming is likely to throw all of this out of whack. But global warming is likely to throw everything out of whack: if all of the world's coastal cities and farmlands become flooded by rising water, I don't think anyone's going to really care whether spring starts in March or May. We'll probably all be worrying about whether we're going to get enough to eat.