Tuesday, December 26, 2006

The Action Hero's Handbook

I got a cool Christmas present from a friend of mine: The Action Hero's Handbook. Here's the back cover blurb for this awesome book:

For everyone who's ever wanted to be as smooth as James Bond, as clever as Captain Kirk, or as tough as Charlie's Angels, The Action Hero's Handbook is the ultimate guide to the essential skills every action hero needs to survive and thrive in this dangerous but exciting world.

Well, yes. Chapter titles include (capitalization is theirs):
  • How to Track a Fugitive
  • How to Interrogate a Suspect
  • How to Drive a Bus at High Speed
  • How to Negotiate a Hostage Crisis
  • How to Take a Bullet
  • How to Dirty Dance
  • How to Communicate with an Extraterrestrial
  • How to Perform the Vulcan Nerve Pinch
  • How to Take a Hit with a Chair
  • How to Evade a MiG
  • How to Win a High-Speed Chase on Foot
Not to mention the generic
  • How to Be Ready for Anything
If you're wondering how to be ready for anything, there are eight steps:
  1. Be suspicious of everyone and everything, but don't let on that you're suspicious.
  2. Always make a mental note of exits and entrances to any building you enter.
  3. Be aware of what's happening around you.
  4. Control and utilize your fear.
  5. Don't get caught off guard.
  6. If you must engage in a physical confrontation, attempt to stun your opponent with a finger gouge or throat chop and end the fight quickly.
  7. Stay on the move.
  8. Pick up useful items after you've disabled your opponents: these include weapons, equipment bags, walkie-talkies, uniforms, and key cards.
Cowabunga! This book goes perfectly with one I bought a few months ago because I couldn't resist it: How To Survive a Robot Uprising. This useful guide includes the following:
  • How to stop a modular robot
  • How to spot a robot mimicking a human
  • How to prepare for the coming uprising
  • How to deactivate a rebel servant robot
  • How to enhance yourself with cybernetic implants
  • How to recruit human allies
  • Last ditch methods for obliterating all robots
Okay. I am now in a state of total preparedness. Bring it on.